In the Mirror (my worst days)

image © Mariann Martland

This is what it feels like on my worst days. This is what I see in the mirror when my ptsd/trauma/depression/anxiety/abuse memory is taking a firm grip. 

I created this partly during a moment of feeling all this, partly while sitting outside of the feeling, observing it. But I put it to one side in a moment of feeling ‘too much!’ 

“Nobody wants to see this shit!” I thought to myself. 

Well, fuck that!

Yes, nobody wants to see this shit, but neither do I! 

On the days when I feel this at its worst, I don’t want to see this in my mirror either. Yet I do see it, and feel it and live it. 

And I see it as a result of some horrific experiences in my life. 

Today, on a day when I feel like hiding away from all those who want to silence me, I’m saying “fuck that shit” and I’m screaming it all out instead. 

Because when I’m feeling like this, I’m feeling it because someone (not some ‘one’ actually, some’many’, many more than one) used me, abused me, hurt me so deeply that I am often left injured, unwell, in abhorrent pain as a response. Yes, a response. 

But it’s the act that is wrong, not the response, not how it feels to live through it and its fallout. 

This is what it feels like, on my worst day, regularly. 

This, for me, is what it feels like and has felt like for much of my life and here it is. 

I know many will want to look away, and that is okay (for you) but none of this is okay for me and when I’m feeling it at its most intense, I can’t just look away as I’m living it, day in, day out. So here I am, speaking out, in the most visual way I’ve found how yet.

It’s not pretty. But then abuse, and the fall out from it is not pretty…it’s painful and confusing and all manner of awful and this is (part of) what it feels like.

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