please. please go.

image © Mariann Martland

image © Mariann Martland

you died and i grieve,
every single day.
hard, raw, fresh, new grief.
seventeen years.
every single day.
yet now, it’s the day you died,
two years have passed since
i remembered, i remembered.
the trauma, the pain, the violation.
yet i grieve for you still,
but it’s harder, sharper, clearer
and oh so much messier, foggier and sickening.
the grief has intensified,
for the life you lived
and the life you stole from me.
the innocence,
the pain,
the abhorrent torture you placed upon my soul,
and my body, oh how it cries.
it misses the comfort of its first grief.
the sweet relief of believing you my hero,
of believing that was love.
i’m grieving the grief i cannot get back,
the one that told me i was special,
the one where i still believed your lies.
the one where i was still so blind to your conditioning,
to your dark, twisted forces.
i’m grieving for you.
but more, i’m grieving the facade,
the loss of what i believed we were.
i’m grieving for the loss of my whole life.
a life i will never get back.
a life you took long before you died,
soon after i was born.
i’m grieving for a life i never knew,
a life i never truly had.
i’m grieving you.
i’m grieving me.
and yet you’re still here.
every single day.
inside and outside of my grief
you never seem to leave,
not for a second.
and i’m tired,
oh so tired of carrying us both through life,
of digging myself out of your grave.
it was never mine to call home.
and yet i did,
i made it a home for you inside of me.
and i lived there.
but now i am lost and it is no longer home.
i no longer know where i belong,
because i never belonged there,
here.
so you can go now.
i’ll still be grieving,
i’ll still be searching for my life,
but i know it’s not with you now,
so you can go.
please.
please go.

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