Tonight I feel all kinds of needy and vulnerable. My inner child (or all-round inner me… call it what you will) is crying out.
It’s complicated though. Part of me needs to cry and cry and cry and cry, hide under the covers, remove any and all evidence of the life she (i) existed in, to grieve hard and alone. Alone is all she ever knew after all.
But another part of me is screaming to be heard. To uncover and unfurl in all the ways my heart knows how.
With each is a vulnerable little girl, trying to understand how to be loved, craving what she never received and feeling overwhelmed and confused by the needs she feels unworthy of receiving.
And yet here I am, an adult, a fully formed human who can give her (me) all the love she never knew. How? I’m still learning. It’s the biggest learning curve of my life and I fail, regularly.
Today I’ve beaten myself up constantly for every feeling, every need, every breath I have taken. And with it I’ve been adding extra beatings to the violated little girl who has been trying to be heard and seen.
No more. Not tonight. If she chooses to speak, she will be held. If she chooses to hide, she will be held. If she needs both and there is a way of reaching both, she will be held. Her needs will be held. I will be held.
I’m feeling all kinds of needy and vulnerable. And that is okay. It is allowed. It is held.