to love you {a poem}

Image © Mariann Martland

Image © Mariann Martland

i do not know how
to love you
because i do
i love you
and i always will

but i look at you
and i see
the root of it all
the conception of my agony
the denial of my truth

you cry out for me
to hold your hand
to pretend
to make it all better
for you

you
who closed your eyes
to my misery
my fear
my demise

you
who asks for my voice
and then runs from it
who allows the destruction
then demands my cure

i did not break this
i did not pour this poison
i was just too loud
in my dying
forcing you to listen

but you did not hear
you did not see
you took my pain
and made it your own
asking for my sympathy

i cannot be everything
you need me to be
when you push and you pull
when you suffocate me
then throw me away

i will never be enough
you will never love me enough
i will always love you
but i do not know how
to love you

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