I’m not (your version of) perfect

Image © Mariann Martland

Image © Mariann Martland

Sometimes I think far too much about death and life feels like a faraway dream.

There are days when the sun is shining and I wish it were cold.

I colour outside of the lines and often push down too hard on my crayons, causing them to snap.

I swear a whole fucking lot, mostly for emphasis, but occasionally to express my frustration.

And, I enjoy it.

Dried up white roses have been sitting in a vase in my room for months. I think they look beautiful.

I’ve felt lonely nearly every day of my life, and still, half of the time I just want to be left alone.

I love the ocean, but I’m afraid of water.

I don’t like my body.

No, I don’t want to explain all of the many, many, many reasons why or tell you all of the ways I’m working at embracing it.

I actually enjoy turbulence on an aeroplane – I think maybe I feel more at home there.

The song “Smile” makes my blood boil.

When my heart is breaking I don’t think I should always have to fake a smile.

And yes, I know it’s your favourite song, and no, I don’t think any less of you for it.

Yesterday I ate chocolate for breakfast (or was it lunch by then…?).

Once when my friend screamed in fear on a rollercoaster, I was thinking that was what freedom might feel like.

Sometimes I have to read in reverse verse order to absorb the words.

I bite my nails, mostly when I’m anxious, which is, well, let’s just say my nails are rarely long.

I believe there are no less than twenty thousand additional flaws I could add to this list.

Yeah, mostly I think that sucks,

But I know I’m not perfect and I’ll never be ‘normal’.

Some days I cannot push past these walls of shame that surround me.

Some days my tightly-knotted web, my tangled mass of crap, distorts my entire view of myself and the world.

Other days I embrace my imperfect nuances,

Because they make me uniquely me

And (I like to believe), just like everybody else.

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5 thoughts on “I’m not (your version of) perfect

  1. It’s great you are real about how you perceive yourself… and embracing it too… But please remember that you are playing into the arms of fear and the people who don’t want mankind to realize their magnificence and create the life they have always dreamed of… Take care of yourself, you matter and make a difference in the worlds balance of fear vs love… Barbara

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  2. I absolutely love all the ‘flaws’ because I think they are real. I believe many people can’t see them self as clearly as you can. Even if you feel the color of your glasses dim, I find it beautiful. I love imperfections. The dried flowers I have on my ledge — just because I never threw them out and now, they look faded and lovely in a distinct ancient sort of way. I cherish my friends who can scream really loud and I also think — that must be how freedom feels. You capture more here in this essay then I imagine most understand in three lifetimes. You are beautiful. Intelligent. Sensitive. Kind. Compassionate and absolutely delightfully not perfect. just like me! xo

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      • I gravitate towards authentic and intelligence. I don’t need ‘flowery’ words of ‘happy-happy’. I’d rather listen to the blues and swim deep. You so understand that and it shines in your eloquent essays. Much love. xo

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