For now…

I’m finding it difficult to be here, here in my words, here in my life, here in this world, here in all the ways I could mean.

Everything is raw, like my skin has been ripped off exposing each nerve ending I have. It hurts.

It feels like each loss I have experienced, each grief, each trauma, each abuse, each heartache, each pain has hit me again, new, like I have never known it before, any of it. It hurts.

And I want to add an antidote, a positive to say I’ll be back, I’ll be happy soon, I’ll find my way through, I’ll get there, I’ll be okay (and maybe I will, probably I will), because this is what I always do to make it easier to hear, but it feels like these counteractions to my pain are more for the comfort of others than myself for now.

For now, for me, I feel like all I can do is acknowledge where I am. I’m hurting. I’m raw. I’m depressed. I’m lonely. I’m anxious. I’m traumatised (and re-traumatised). I’m ill. I’m needing so much that I cannot find and feeling too much of my life, a life I tried to forget, a life that demands my attention even when it is too difficult to bear.

So I’m finding it difficult to be here, and that is the best I can do, the best I can say, the best I can be… For now.

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6 thoughts on “For now…

  1. I hear you and as someone who struggles with intense emotions, loneliness and depression as well, I understand. Personally I don’t think happiness is a state you ‘attain’ by being positive all the time. I think happiness, and more importantly wholeness, grows out of being you consistently and making space for all your emotions, even the ones society labels negative and offensive. It’s ok to be in that space of depression. It’s ok to be. It’s ok to rest and to let go of pretending.

    Maybe it feels as if your ‘negative’ emotions are going to swallow you whole if you do, but it’s my experience that nothing lasts forever and that you will come out of it at the other end, a little wiser and a little more gentle.

    Sending you much love x

    Liked by 1 person

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