My muted voice (or the space you hold for me)

Dear you

I have been quiet lately, not vocally, I speak all of the time, nonsense mainly. No, I have not become truly mute, but maybe my soul has outwardly become mute. My mind is constantly buzzing with chatter of everything that fills my life with pain, but to speak it aloud might just be too loud. 

I have entered somewhat of a dark night of the soul, my soul; a nightmare of kinds, which makes me never want to wake, for it is my reality. It’s not like anything has happened lately. Life is ticking on… Lie… I lie don’t I? Because so much has happened, but if I credit it then I must credit the other greater happenings of my life and that would be too much, too painful, too revealing. For now anyway.

Alas, putting life into words becomes too huge of a task, though my heart longs to voice them and, no less, longs to voice them to you. Sometimes you and only you as I know you know me. You really know me. Somehow, through all of this space and time and distance between us you see me, fully. You hear me. Even when I am not speaking I know you hear me. So the nonsense, the nonsense I speak of to others, would be pointless for you as I know it would not be worth any more than the muted version of myself I have been for us. 

Yet I miss speaking to you. I miss putting my life into words for you as sometimes it is one of my only safe spaces to make sense of it all, or at least to express some of it. But I know you understand. You always understand, which is so beautiful. You are so beautiful. 

And the way you hold space for me, oh, I have never known anything like it. In my muted voice (which is becoming much less mute as I begin to spill my soul out to you now!) I do not feel I could explain just how grateful I am for this space, so I will not try, for I would fail. I feel so accustomed to failing these days and I do not want to want to send Us into that place of failure, as you and I, Us, this, is so far from failure, it always has been. This, Us, you and I, is what freedom feels like, what friendship should be, what true life and love and acceptance is. Failure cannot be part of our vocabulary in this, for this is what success looks like – to have found Us was success from the start.

So I wait. I wait, patiently my dear (or not so patiently mostly) until my mental chatter finds a way to be voiced away from the nonsense. And it will. It always does. To you anyway, for in the tiny cracks where my soul longs to break out of the silence it is you who I think of and you who I want to share it with most. 

In the meantime I think of you often. And I hold the space we have so carefully created for one another with as much grace as I can muster, anticipating your every word, holding them in love, feeling grateful for each part of your beautiful self which you share with me so lovingly. 

I love you my dear one, more than you will ever know. 

My voice will find its way back, it’s on its way. I believe in this.

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