Things I wish you knew 

Some days my biggest accomplishment is brushing my teeth. 

On those days I don’t always feel worthy of being loved. 

When you told me I was an ‘old soul’, you were right, but I yearn for the fleeting moments of feeling young.

There are days when I feel like I have lived ten lifetimes in one, but I’m not smart enough to untangle it all yet.

Missing you runs through my blood like a holy poison.

Sometimes I don’t know how to breathe.

I usually think most people would see me as broken if they knew I felt as connected to death as I do to life, to darkness as to light (sometimes more). And then I remember they are one and I feel a little more whole.

I don’t think I have ever let myself be fully seen by another person.

When I think of this I want to cry harder than I ever have before. But I don’t think I would know how to stop.

I am a realist, but I am also a dreamer.

And dreaming is one of the most beautiful and painful experiences I have ever known.

There are days I don’t ever want to wake up.

I wholeheartedly believe in the universe and love and connection and strength of human spirit, even when I am overwhelmed or confused by life.

There is usually at least one moment in each day when I am overwhelmed or confused by life.

I have always been searching for home, I think you were the closest I got. 

I can remember every single time you held my hand. 

When people tell me I am strong or brave or courageous my mind begins to drown in a sea of question marks, so I either disagree or just smile.

I try to practice strength and bravery and courage everyday. I think I am still in the beginners’ class.

When I look in the mirror I barely recognise the woman staring back. She doesn’t look like the girl you knew.

I spent the first 28 years of my life pretending I was holding my world together, even just a tiny part of it. 

Maybe it’s time to stop pretending.

When I told you I was in love with you once, I meant it. But I should not have made the phrase past tense, or singular.

The spaces between us make my heart ache, loudly.

I long to live in those spaces so maybe I’d feel closer to you.

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2 thoughts on “Things I wish you knew 

  1. I am not you, but I have similar thoughts and feelings that keep me stuck in life and make me feel very depressed. By the way, I really love how you express the heavy and hurtful feelings in your life. Perhaps this writing gift will be of great benefit to you and others. It took a lot of courage to open yourself up to others by sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings. I especially liked your quote of being a “realist and an old soul.” These two words are not just words but the codes of being a “survivor” You are, from what I read not a quitter in your life. You look for ways to improve it through your creative writing skills. You paint with your words. Thank you for sharing these talents with all of us who participate on this wonderful site. MAR

    Liked by 1 person

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