Not Today

There might come a day when I can look back on all the months I spent hiding, scared of you, jumping at the sound of a ringing phone, at your voice, trembling as I anticipated every update of your terrorisingly inevitable demise, and understand why you put us through so much pain;

But that day is not today.

Maybe there will be a time when I can look at your face without my body freezing in a tense knot of fear and anxiety, without a lifetime of hurt flooding my veins, without the need to run and run and never return;

But that time is not now.

There might be moment when I can forget my grief; when I can feel free of the weight I carry from losing you, free of the solid tears I choke upon, free of the haunting memory of you violating the innocent bond I believed we shared, free of my longing for a brief moment of our pretence of pure bliss;

But that moment is not yet.

Somewhere there might be a place where I can set myself free of the toxins with which you poison my mind, a place where I can fill my lungs with the clean air of forgiveness through breaths of acceptance and hope, a place that I can call home;

But that place is not here.

Someday maybe I will release myself of my blame, my guilt, my shame and give it to back to you who fed my spirit with its dark power so you could feel lighter, I might reroute the anger that points at my heart and direct it back to you who barricaded its release;

But that day has not arrived.

Eventually a minute might pass when I am completely free of the hurricane of your sins, when your words will not be repeatedly hissing around my brain, when you will not be underlying each thought that trudges through my head, when you will not be pulling me down with every movement I make;

But that minute has not yet passed.

There may come a day when I will think of you without screwing my eyelids shut, only to find that you are shining even more brightly in the darkness of my soul; when I will think of you and feel your memory pass through without the crushing urge to change my whole existence, without each of your terrorising lives pounding with my every pulse;

But that day is not today.

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5 thoughts on “Not Today

  1. That day may not be today but I hope one day you can see past the pain! I know we never fully heal from traumatic events but I wish that you will find peace! Come check out my blog if you ever feel like I it. I talk about some of the things your struggling with.

    Liked by 1 person

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