I wish I could heal you, or what you perceive as healing – fixing that is, I wish I could fix this, but I do not see you as broken. No. Damaged, maybe. But aren’t we all? I know I am. Damaged. I am damaged in ways you will never know or see or feel.
Your infection, perceived infection albeit, I wish I could heal. I wish I could take ever part of it and eradicate it from your being. If that is what you need. Really need.
But do you need it? Really? Would that make you better? Would that make you feel whole again? I doubt it. This runs deeper than that. You know that, right?
I look at you and I see your struggle. I see you lashing out against yourself, against the world. I see how you are recklessly hurting those around you and, worse, hurting yourself. And I know many think I should feel anger, hurt, betrayal.
I do not. Not yet.
Maybe it is so that I should feel these things. And I will, one day, I am almost sure of that. But right now all I feel is an ache to help you. The ache is so strong that looking at you feels too painful to bear. Yet I do, because I know you will not look me in the eye if I do not ask you to. And I need you to see that I am here.
Here. Here for you.
Not to fix you. No, I know I cannot do that. Nobody could. For you are not broken. You are perfectly whole. And the damage you feel, the damage you see, yes, it is real, yes, it is painful. But no amount of isolation or damaging others is going to ease your pain.
But I am here to be here. For you. To hold space for you to be you, for you to find you, for you to find what it is you really need and to help you take steps onto that path; whatever path that may be.
I know you think you do not deserve this space. Many would agree. Maybe you do not. But I am not here because you deserve me to be. I am not here because you have a right to the space I am holding for you.
I am here because I love you. And because I know that without this space you will steal so much more space that is not yours to take. But I am sharing this space and holding it with you. No more, no less.I cannot fix you. I cannot heal you. I cannot give you what you want, of me or of life. I cannot change your situation or take away the infection you see in your life.
But I can be here, and I can hold this space with you until you find what you truly need to hold a space of your own in this world.
Please stay here with me.