That Feeling, The Darkness

  

image © Mariann Martland

That feeling. The darkness. You see it there, in the distance. You try to run, but no, it is getting closer, it is taking hold. 
That feeling. The one which grips every morsel of your body. You feel like there is no escape. You know you are alive still, just, but nothing feels the same. You want to cry, but your tears are stuck. You try with every ounce of your being for an answer, a something, an anything that will make it lift, that will make you feel less like you are drowning in your own body. 

You know it so well. You have felt it before. So many times. So many more times than you could ever recall and even more times than you have ever spoken of to another. You remember the last time it clamped down on you. Just yesterday. And last week and the week before. But you don’t remember how you came away from it. You don’t remember what made it leave. You don’t remember it leaving at all, but somehow it is upon you again. You look around for relief but all you can see is the dark space between you and your mind. 

You are consumed. Taken. Sinking. 

You feel the rock in your throat. You cannot speak. You cannot call for help. And even if you could you truly believe there is nobody who could help you now. Nobody who would understand. Nothing they could do or say to change anything. Surely. Your loneliness overwhelms you. 

You writhe in discomfort in your body. Every inch of you wants to escape. Your organs want to move outside of your body. They do not feel natural in this environment. But you would not notice if they did, such is the pain you feel in your soul. 

Your mind tries to grasp at anything it can to feel better, even slightly – that would be enough. But nothing comes. You remember your techniques of keeping present. You try to just be in the moment. To breathe. To accept that you are where you are. To feel every feeling fully. But every inch of you fights it. It is not a ‘normal’ feeling you tell yourself. It is not natural feeling like this. Your body cries out telling you the same. 

You fight and you fight and you fight. 

Until there is nothing left in you to fight with. Your inner warrior leaves. Your body feels weak and your mind loops around your heart until the beating and the spinning send you dizzy at your core. They are too tired to think. So you stop. And you sink into your desperation. 

Though you barely feel it now. All you feel is a heavy sensation over your whole body. You only have sleep left in you, yet you fear it will not come. But you know your eyes will no longer stay open for they cannot stand the torment any longer. They need rest. You need rest. Your body needs rest. 

And as you drift into your lethargy, you tightly cling to the hope that is being chased away by all of the demons in your head that you will wake lighter and more at ease. Your body knows, somewhere in the depths of your memory, that you have left here before, so you must, you must, you must be able to get out again. So your body lets the sleep take hold and you drift off into the night… 

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4 thoughts on “That Feeling, The Darkness

    • Thank you Audrey… The spaces are a little longer at the moment which is such a relief. When it hits it is intense, but yes…it passes. We have to hold onto this.

      Liked by 1 person

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